Fertility God FAQ #1: How do I/we get pregnant?

It seems that some of my agents are advertising the fact that nearly half of my female employees are pregnant.  They say I have fertility powers.  They say that touching me will ensure their pregnancy within n months.  Some claim that simply talking to me works.  Even some more claim that coming within 10 feet of me will suffice to get themselves pregnant.

Stop it already!  Seriously.  Let me explain…

1. I do not  know why my female employees always get pregnant.  I am a mortal.  My bleeding, aching finger proves that fact.
2. I don’t think touching me works.  I’m already developing dry skin and allergies from the “accidental” touching being done.  In fact, I’ve already invested in a cheap bottle of lotion to avoid scabbing my skin.
3. I like it when people approach me to talk.  I like making friends.  I like listening to other people’s stories.  I do not, however, like it when people come talking to me thinking they’ll get pregnant.  And avoiding me or keeping me at a distance will not make you (if you’re female) pregnant and neither will pregnancy be assured.

If you want to get pregnant, I advise you to consult a qualified and competent physician or a psychiatrist.  Thinking I could cause your pregnancy is ridiculous.  I mean, even if I do have powers and I were truly a god, then that means to get pregnant and receive my “blessings” you will have to do the following:

1. Bow down and pray to me
2. Give me offerings of free groceries for my cupboard.  I choose the brands, too, ok?
3. Dancing before me might work, too… assuming you’re in the nude (who ever heard of dancing in front of a fertility god fully clothed?)

If you, after all this, still believe I have the powers of a fertility god instead of being a simple Maternity Ward Director, well… I seriously suggest you seek a psychiatrist.

Note:  I firmly believe babies are a blessing.  It’s the would-be parents that I’m worried about.  You know… where the babies will be coming from.